Job Vacancy – Safety Clairvoyant - Workplace Health and Safety Australia

Package

Starting at $500,000 plus 12.5% super loading (although investing in the future is irrelevant, depending on prediction success rate). $10,000 deducted per failure to predict any event on site over a 12-month period. (Previous applicant left owing the company $400,000).

Status

Full Time 35-168hrs per week, as required.

Position Description

Ability to predict any event on site.
Capability to know the future.
Infallibility
Know the unknowns.
Collect ‘big data’ and deny Bounded Rationality.
Perfection

Selection Criteria

Skills in reading tea leaves, horoscope, tarot cards essential.
Ability to speak endlessly about ‘predictive analytics’.
Necessity to guarantee zero.
Ability to use Hindsight Bias to claim eternal foresight.
Blame, fudge data and project denial, when accidents occur.
Ability to redefine the meaning of words like ‘accident’ and ‘risk’.
Be able to preach ‘just believe’.
Declare BBS as the safety saviour.
Ability to ignore all research in human personhood.
Ability to speak with certainty about uncertainty.

Functional Capabilities

Must not own, purchase or sell life/accident insurance.
Speak meaningless gobbledygook to people.
Ability to walk on water.
Turn water into wine.
Heal the sick.
Prophecy
Read people’s minds.
Ability to pray for car parks.
Redefine risk and assurance.

How to Apply

Applications addressed to ‘The Omniscient One’
Please include in CV a 10-year history of prediction successes.
If successful for interview, we expect you to predict the time, date and make-up of the interview team and the questions they may ask.