Job Vacancy – Safety Clairvoyant


Starting at $500,000 plus 12.5% super loading (although investing in the future is irrelevant, depending on prediction success rate). $10,000 deducted per failure to predict any event on site over a 12-month period. (Previous applicant left owing the company $400,000).


Full Time 35-168hrs per week, as required.

Position Description

  • Ability to predict any event on site.
  • Capability to know the future.
  • Infallibility
  • Know the unknowns.
  • Collect ‘big data’ and deny Bounded Rationality.
  • Perfection

Selection Criteria

  • Skills in reading tea leaves, horoscope, tarot cards essential.
  • Ability to speak endlessly about ‘predictive analytics’.
  • Necessity to guarantee zero.
  • Ability to use Hindsight Bias to claim eternal foresight.
  • Blame, fudge data and project denial, when accidents occur.
  • Ability to redefine the meaning of words like ‘accident’ and ‘risk’.
  • Be able to preach ‘just believe’.
  • Declare BBS as the safety saviour.
  • Ability to ignore all research in human personhood.
  • Ability to speak with certainty about uncertainty.

Functional Capabilities

  • Must not own, purchase or sell life/accident insurance.
  • Speak meaningless gobbledygook to people.
  • Ability to walk on water.
  • Turn water into wine.
  • Heal the sick.
  • Prophecy
  • Read people’s minds.
  • Ability to pray for car parks.
  • Redefine risk and assurance.

How to Apply

  • Applications addressed to ‘The Omniscient One’
  • Please include in CV a 10-year history of prediction successes.
  • If successful for interview, we expect you to predict the time, date and make-up of the interview team and the questions they may ask.

Referees Required

Personal friendship with Budda, Mohamed, Thor, Jedi Master and the Lord Jesus Christ.

Applications closed 3 months ago because you didn’t predict this ad.

Possible Places for Future Employment

Good luck! Oh sorry, you can’t believe in that either.

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