Safety Satire

You may know the legendary Barry Spud. Think of me as his female equivalent, with better accessories and a separate clipboard for emotions.

Until recently, I was a cleaner. I did useful work, understood my job and knew the people.

Thankfully, a lunchtime webinar run by Barry put an end to all that.

I became an overnight safety “professional” for the same reason anyone takes an interest in other people’s footwear: power and control.

As a cleaner, I could ask people to lift their feet. As a safety professional, I could stop the entire job.

That’s career progression.

I used to put out a wet-floor sign and hope people noticed. Now I can demand they attend an induction, sign an acknowledgement and explain why they walked past without demonstrating a personal commitment to dryness.

Naturally, I describe this as caring.

I am now also an expert in psychosocial safety. My qualifications include thirty-seven slides, a certificate of attendance and the ability to say “psychosocial” without checking my notes.

People have called me a psycho for years. It’s wonderful to finally receive professional recognition, but a few more post nominals might be useful.

Someone tried to explain that this wasn’t quite what they meant, but I recognised resistance to change and ended the conversation before it affected my wellbeing.

Others call me “Adgi” but I dont get why?

My transition from cleaning to consulting was remarkably smooth. I used to deal with difficult stains. Now I deal with difficult people. Identify the problem, apply something strong and keep scrubbing until it stops being visible.

Some people suggest that human distress requires a different approach.

Honestly, there’s always someone trying to complicate a perfectly good checklist.

When I was a cleaner, I would investigate what was leaking. As a safety professional, I take a more strategic approach.

I put out a sign.

CAUTION: FEELINGS IN PROGRESS.

My philosophy is straightforward. People have feelings. Feelings create uncertainty. Uncertainty interferes with my dashboard.

Therefore, feelings require controls abd Safety has the proven tools for that job.

Previously, I could only police what people did. Psychosocial safety has opened up the exciting possibility of policing how they feel about it.

I have developed a register of human hazards, including “asks awkward questions”, “looks unhappy” and “requires listening”.

Listening is particularly dangerous because someone else gets to talk.

I prefer structured consultation. My wellbeing survey offers three responses:

• I feel supported.
• I feel extremely supported.
• I require further training in feeling supported.

The results speak for themselves. One hundred per cent of completed forms confirm that the form was completed.

My other great passion is compliance.

People say you can’t force someone to feel safe. I say they haven’t written a sufficiently clear procedure.

My Psychological Safety Policy guarantees that everyone can speak freely, provided they use the approved reporting channel, obtain supervisory endorsement and avoid suggesting that the policy isn’t working.

A worker recently complained about impossible workloads. Naturally, I acted immediately.

I assigned him a resilience module.

He said he didn’t have time to complete it, so I added time-management training.

He hasn’t approached me since. Another successful intervention.

But beneath this formidable exterior beats a romantic heart.

I believe safety is sexy.

Nothing sets my pulse racing like a signed attendance sheet. A fully completed risk assessment gives me butterflies. When someone says, “All corrective actions are closed,” I need a moment.

I once whispered, “Show me your evidence of compliance,” across a candlelit dinner.

He left before dessert.

Some men simply aren’t ready for a controlling relationship with clearly documented responsibilities.

Barry has been very supportive. He says I have a natural gift for telling people what’s wrong with them without getting distracted by their circumstances.

High praise indeed.

I am now accepting bookings for my flagship workshop:

Psychosocial Safety: Bringing Your Whole Self to Work, Subject to Approval.

Attendance is mandatory.

Enjoyment will be audited.